


Kitten

by thatcrazyfivefoottwochick



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Aged Up, BDSM mention, Cinnamon Roll, Daddy kink mention, Even if they're just brief mentions, F/M, Gen, Humor, I immediately regretted that last tag but I'm keeping it, It's not as bad as the tags make it out to be, Just including content warnings to be careful, edward does, ling has zero shame, no beta we die like hughes, posted at 4am, pure bean mistakes, sexual discussions, this is the most questionable thing I'll ever write I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:14:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28500561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatcrazyfivefoottwochick/pseuds/thatcrazyfivefoottwochick
Summary: "What I need to know is where the nearest container of bleach is so I can wipe my brain with it and you can drink it.""You wound me so, Edward! Where was the kinship we shared when we ate your boot?"Ling overhears Alphonse's special pet name for Mei and swears up and down that he's...adventurous.Ed stands by his theory that Alphonse is an "extra super virgin."
Relationships: Alphonse Elric & Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric & Ling Yao, Edward Elric & Ling Yao, Mei Chan | May Chang & Ling Yao, Mei Chan | May Chang/Alphonse Elric
Kudos: 18





	Kitten

**Author's Note:**

> "It would be a funny idea for a fic though."  
> –famous last words from the author  
> *  
> I only rated it M because the conversation topics are ones I wouldn't really talk about with minors.  
> *  
> Doesn't really matter, but the background I had in my head for this fic was the living room of the Rockbell-Elric house in Rush Valley. Carry on.

"The neighbors are going to hear you, Edward~" Ling purred.

"Yeah, yeah, since when do they not? What I'm more concerned about is them hearing the disgusting things you think my brother is doing!"

"Well, well! I hate to be the one to break the _devastating_ news to you, Edward, but those two have blossomed into the springtime of their young lives! _And_ , if you ask me, they took far too long to begin their relationship. Surely, they're bound to be curious and eager~"

"First of all, Emperor of Sleaziness, I _didn't_ ask you, and second of all, Al's the most innocent twenty-two year old on the planet! He'd probably think a condom wrapper was a lollipop that got its stick broken off or something!"

"Easy for you to say. You got married at eighteen and didn't waste any time with Winry, considering you're only twenty-three and have three kids already."

"Actually," Edward smirked, "there's a fourth one coming soon."

"So, you wouldn't understand the plight of the young and restless. Not everyone gets lucky as soon as you, Edward."

"I don't know or care what you're implying about me, you jerk, but you can keep your nose out of Al's business." Ed's voice softened. "Anyone that innocent, especially after all we've been through, deserves to be able to stay that way."

Not catching onto, or willfully ignoring, the sudden change in atmosphere, Ling continued, "Well, that might be all well and good if that were the case. You didn't hear what I heard the other day." 

"What the–whatever you thought you heard, you're wrong, you filthy piece of—"

"I heard," Ling smirked, "your dear Alphonse calling Mei _kitten_. _I_ think that he's actually very kinky and that your growth was stunted in your head more than anything else."

 _"I am a father of four. I am twenty-three years old. I have gotten over height jabs,"_ Edward muttered to himself. "Ignoring how ridiculous that is, where would he have even learned that, anyway?"

"You never know. He's an avid reader. He could have stumbled upon it in a stray romance novel. He could have learned it in Xing. For all we know, Mei's the one who instigated it, and he was all too eager to get on board with the idea!" 

"I still don't believe you. Remind me of _one_ time your gossip was reliable. And no, don't bother answering that. You and I both know the answer to that. What I need to know is where the nearest container of bleach is so I can wipe my brain with it and you can drink it."

"You wound me so, Edward! Where was the kinship we shared when we ate your boot? Furthermore, my country now depends upon m—"

Without warning, the subject of their conversation arrived. "Hey brother, I'm back! I also picked up some milk while I was out because even if you didn't bother as a kid, your kids are going to get proper nutrients if I have anything to say about it." 

"Yeah, good thing Winry took the kids out for a walk. I need you to prove that Ling's wrong."

"Good luck with that. I'm going to choose to stay out of that one and break out the popcorn."

"I'm serious, Al. He's saying all this ridiculous stuff about you being into BDSM or whatever, while I've been trying to get through to his non-existent brain cells that you're the extra super virgin that you are."

Al blushed. "Well, I mean, Mei and I _have_ kissed."

"No need to be shy, Alphonse. I heard you calling your darling Mei 'kitten' the other day." Ling grinned.

"Yeah, I call her kitty! It's a little embarrassing, I guess, but it's a little pet name I have for her because she's cute and small like a little baby cat!"

The two men gaped at him.

"...you should probably just keep that nickname between you and Mei, Al. Before any more idiots like Ling here think you're into daddy crap or something." Edward's blush could have heated the entirety of Rush Valley.

"Huh?"

 _"I can't believe I've gotta be the one to have this conversation with you,"_ Edward muttered before taking a sharp inhale. "So. The name _kitten_. Can be used in BDSM language for certain...terms. Names. You know what, forget it. I'm out. I didn't sign up for this. I dunno if 'kitty' gives off the same impression. I don't stick around when people start those kinds of conversations." Ed glared at Ling.

"Ohhh." Alphonse looked away and blushed. "I was just trying to be a sweet boyfriend and give her a cute nickname just for her...why do people have to go and ruin cute things?"

"Look Al, I don't know. I'm just trying to help you. And you!" Edward pointed at Ling, "need to apologize to him. Not gonna say I told you so, but I definitely told you so."

"Whatever you say, golden boy, whatever you say. I still say he could be—" Ling paused for effect, "—adventurous, but time will tell! I already have name ideas for my future nieces and nephews!"

"I clearly walked in at the wrong time." Mei announced coldly. "Come, Alphonse, let's leave these lascivious brothers of ours. Our company would be far better were it just us."

Al waved sheepishly as his girlfriend dragged him out the door. Ed sighed. He could not believe these people sometimes.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I'm sorry, but I had to. Provoked, not inspired, by a conversation I had with a Tumblr friend and by my sister that I lovingly nickname Galphonse.


End file.
